...

The anger is so potent.

I'm so mad. Mad at myself. Mad at my actions, mad at my mistakes, mad at the world, mad at time for passing by so fast. I'm mad for having been so weak, so feeble to let these demons drag me down.

So I cut. I punish myself, I feel the pain. The Pain is distracting and addicting. Anger just squirts out when you do it. It's so relieving.

I guess weakness is what breaks you. Weakness is so strong.

the dark

I'm stuck in darkness. I'm broken. I'm sad.

Fact is, there is no word to describe what i'm feeling inside. "Sad" is not sad enough. "broken" is not broken enough. Because i'm more than shattered. I'm lost and I cannot seem to find my way out.

I sure am a lucky girl. I got a mommy and daddy both healthy and sound. I go to school and get good grades. I have friends. We go out and get drunk. I party, I laugh, I get mad, I get stubborn. I get my periods and they hurt. I eat. I get birthday presents.

But i'm not complete. I'm not full. Loneliness is an everyday thing and tears have become a habit. It is as if my world were a dark room with no windows and no door.

I often think about what would happen if I died. How many people would show up to my funeral? who would they be? Would they miss me? Would my mom be happier?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions because life has taught me to avoid expectations. One can never know. Because there is no way of getting into a person's mind. No way of really guaranteeing loyalty and happiness. There is nothing worse than falling and not having the person you wanted waiting to catch you at the bottom.

So would people be happier if I die?  I just know I am not happy and I want this pain to end. I don't see death as my ultimate salvation. I'm so afraid to die. I just want the pain to end and I don't know how halt it.