...

The anger is so potent.

I'm so mad. Mad at myself. Mad at my actions, mad at my mistakes, mad at the world, mad at time for passing by so fast. I'm mad for having been so weak, so feeble to let these demons drag me down.

So I cut. I punish myself, I feel the pain. The Pain is distracting and addicting. Anger just squirts out when you do it. It's so relieving.

I guess weakness is what breaks you. Weakness is so strong.

the dark

I'm stuck in darkness. I'm broken. I'm sad.

Fact is, there is no word to describe what i'm feeling inside. "Sad" is not sad enough. "broken" is not broken enough. Because i'm more than shattered. I'm lost and I cannot seem to find my way out.

I sure am a lucky girl. I got a mommy and daddy both healthy and sound. I go to school and get good grades. I have friends. We go out and get drunk. I party, I laugh, I get mad, I get stubborn. I get my periods and they hurt. I eat. I get birthday presents.

But i'm not complete. I'm not full. Loneliness is an everyday thing and tears have become a habit. It is as if my world were a dark room with no windows and no door.

I often think about what would happen if I died. How many people would show up to my funeral? who would they be? Would they miss me? Would my mom be happier?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions because life has taught me to avoid expectations. One can never know. Because there is no way of getting into a person's mind. No way of really guaranteeing loyalty and happiness. There is nothing worse than falling and not having the person you wanted waiting to catch you at the bottom.

So would people be happier if I die?  I just know I am not happy and I want this pain to end. I don't see death as my ultimate salvation. I'm so afraid to die. I just want the pain to end and I don't know how halt it.

Frustrated

Seems like you do everything wrong right? you are the cause of every problem. You are selfish and not a good person.

Rubbish.

This is just called " Parents' desperation due to teenage years"
Nobody but teens will understand what living through these years is. Its tough, a miscellany of feelings are constantly aggravating and that desperation when NOBODY can understand you, your feelings, your thoughts. develop a way to express yourself. no need for useless people to understand.

nobody seems to understand my feelings. I never said I was unhappy. I never said I was entirely happy.  I am not made of paper, i have a heart, a soul, capability of feeling.
so much left behind, so many regrets. wouldn't you like to just grab everything back? To feel comfortable again, to trust.
Its a new world you do not know but are trying to discover, but somehow every day is the same, nothing gets better, nothing gets worse.
Its a queer happiness right? you like your new world, but you miss the old one.
The worst is when you cause the suffering of others, due to your own suffering. I've now learnt, keep it all inside because if you express it, you get bombarded with negative comments saying how you ruin everyone's moods and expectations. okay then, I thought; ill just drown in my own feelings. not even tears help. nothing. what is this? you wonder what to do with life, to make it turn around, make it change. oh. you cannot.

Ill just talk to myself then. nobody understands, my feelings are complex phenomenons who nobody comprehends or at least makes the effort to.

happiness?

you see all those perfect girls. perfect lives. perfect company. perfect families. feels bad right?

Moments where I look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty are sparse. I feel I cannot be good enough for anyone. I've been called ugly to the face and sadly, I am weak enough to believe it. Its hard you know. being compared, comparing yourself and feel like shit.

Yes, I try and seem tough. When a boy tells me I'm pretty, I feel this unimaginable bliss within me. But, if I do not believe it daily, what's it worth? I have this fear that people will hate me for some reason. Paranoia of being annoying, of being unwanted would we the right way to describe it.


I am a very lucky girl when it comes to possessions. I use them as a little ray of happiness. however, this feeling doesn't go away. despondency often haunts me as well as the desire to be more to be good enough.

so many frustrated dreams. So many desires that my confidence prevents me to accomplish. My fear, my often lack of personality. It feels horrible being told you cannot act around boys, being told you are a nerd, being told you are not good enough at a sport.

Yes. I love history. I love writing. I love horror and bloody movies or stories. I love shopping. No, i'm not antisocial. No I am not useless. I am not gothic and I'm not possessed. I'm not show off. They are just the things i feel tranquility in. Expectations kill me. I'm expected to get straight A's. I can, but I'm sorry i'm not a genius and it's not that easy. I slip a bit sometimes. That does not mean I haven't tried.

Yes I can be a diva, I can be a total pain in the ass but that's the strongest part of me. The materialistic and class part of me is the strongest the one i kind of feel confident in. The one I feel I can maybe stand out and speak freely about. Having high end stuff makes me feel a little better as to compensate all of the other positive things I lack. To feel like someone I have this desire to own everything better than another person. I am not a bad person, but deep inside i'm not completely happy and I really do not know how to seek happiness. Its hard. Specially when if you say what you feel the answer you get is "uuuuhh don't be ridiculous, stop playing victim". That's what happens when your sadness exists deep deep inside and you appear to have every reason to be happy but in your heart and soul, you know that happiness is not complete. I feel lonely.

teen empathy. why me?

I understand.

That feeling of living behind someone's shadow. You wonder, why can't that be me? why can't I have that too, I want to be that happy someday.

I feel like I will never find love. Boys have entered my life, but somehow, fly away leaving a wounded heart behind. Everything goes so slow for me. Yes, I got everything I ever wanted materially speaking, and i'm certainly getting more. I use that as a shell as something to comfort me, something in which i can find at least a little solace. but that empty space still lives. so lonely.

Horror movies are my escape, there is something worse than feeling this lonely in those movies. besides, I love them. I'm not crazy or gothic, its just my taste and people should accept that. Love movies make me desire company even more. They make me sad and makes the idea of a "prince charming" a total mirage.

I think negatively about myself. I'm afraid of love, I'm afraid of not being good enough. I may seem tough but i'm not made of cardboard.

Am I going to live inside a shell forever? I don't know. But loneliness is becoming a lifestyle.

relate to this?

if you do, i have more posts coming. Teen years are hard, especially to those of us trying to make it worth but feeling like reaching dead end.