happiness?

you see all those perfect girls. perfect lives. perfect company. perfect families. feels bad right?

Moments where I look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty are sparse. I feel I cannot be good enough for anyone. I've been called ugly to the face and sadly, I am weak enough to believe it. Its hard you know. being compared, comparing yourself and feel like shit.

Yes, I try and seem tough. When a boy tells me I'm pretty, I feel this unimaginable bliss within me. But, if I do not believe it daily, what's it worth? I have this fear that people will hate me for some reason. Paranoia of being annoying, of being unwanted would we the right way to describe it.


I am a very lucky girl when it comes to possessions. I use them as a little ray of happiness. however, this feeling doesn't go away. despondency often haunts me as well as the desire to be more to be good enough.

so many frustrated dreams. So many desires that my confidence prevents me to accomplish. My fear, my often lack of personality. It feels horrible being told you cannot act around boys, being told you are a nerd, being told you are not good enough at a sport.

Yes. I love history. I love writing. I love horror and bloody movies or stories. I love shopping. No, i'm not antisocial. No I am not useless. I am not gothic and I'm not possessed. I'm not show off. They are just the things i feel tranquility in. Expectations kill me. I'm expected to get straight A's. I can, but I'm sorry i'm not a genius and it's not that easy. I slip a bit sometimes. That does not mean I haven't tried.

Yes I can be a diva, I can be a total pain in the ass but that's the strongest part of me. The materialistic and class part of me is the strongest the one i kind of feel confident in. The one I feel I can maybe stand out and speak freely about. Having high end stuff makes me feel a little better as to compensate all of the other positive things I lack. To feel like someone I have this desire to own everything better than another person. I am not a bad person, but deep inside i'm not completely happy and I really do not know how to seek happiness. Its hard. Specially when if you say what you feel the answer you get is "uuuuhh don't be ridiculous, stop playing victim". That's what happens when your sadness exists deep deep inside and you appear to have every reason to be happy but in your heart and soul, you know that happiness is not complete. I feel lonely.